Breastfeeding - a journey

At the time of writing my son Archie is 1.5 years old.

I have inspired myself to share more about my own breastfeeding journey (thus far) in the hope of adding more anecdotal evidence to the fact that everyone's experience is so vastly different and perhaps a facet of my own story may allow someone else to feel seen and heard.

I have (like many mothers) found breastfeeding to be a deeply fulfilling and deeply meditative experience (on the whole - sometimes it makes me crazy). For me, breastfeeding has weaved a thread of calm throughout those early months (going on years) of mothering. It allows a moment of pause, a breathe, a stocktake, a point in time where I stop doing and start being. It has been a source of immense joy for me and I have devoted myself wholeheartedly. When the time comes to stop our feeding journey I know I will greet this rite of passage with equal parts grief and respect. Because it is, of course, another small (HUGE) part of this bigger journey that is mothering.

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My experience as a doula has shown me that (in general) there is very little known about breastfeeding in our society unless you are a breastfeeding mother or a person very close to a breastfeeding mother (ie partner, midwife, doula, family member, close friend, LC etc etc). When I say very little is known I am talking about the actual physical mechanics of establishing breastfeeding, the myriad of challenges many women face across the entire continuum of feeding and the infinite benefits for both mother and baby for anytime spent feeding be it days or years.

It makes sense to me that on a whole we don't know much before we actually go through it. We just don't get exposure to the nitty gritty of breastfeeding in our society. Plus - if you do see a woman feeding a baby in public she's most likely already got it nailed or is confident at the very least.

Additionally, I think that our cultural misunderstanding of the sacredness and importance of postpartum care lets us down when it comes to breastfeeding. Mothers need so much support on all fronts to establish & maintain breastfeeding. It is after all, quite literally a full time job. A deeply sacred one at that.

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It goes without saying (but here I am saying it) that this is a reflection of OUR own personal journey and what felt/feels right for us. There is no one way of raising a child and I am conveying my own experience because this is what I know worked/works (and didn’t) for US and us alone.

Going into motherhood I was excited about feeding - I didn't really ever give thought to the fact that I'd do it any other way, it just seemed very normal to me to breastfeed as long as I wanted to. I remember having some nervousness perhaps around how easily I would be able to establish feeding and wanting to avoid issues in the early days. I sought some reassurance around this and settled into the fact that I was setting myself up for breastfeeding in the best possible way and I just had to trust my instincts and let it unfold.

Side note: gifting myself the time and space as a mother to ‘let things unfold’ has been one of my greatest allies. Generally, I’m super informed, I am good at planning and being well prepared for most situations life throws at me. However, this often means I hold myself to ridiculously high (cue: unattainable, unhealthy and unhelpful) standards. This sees me putting pressure on myself to get things really right the first time.
Yeahhhhh….
Spoiler alert….
That definitely doesn’t work when parenting (or anything TBH). I now embrace the old trial and error approach, don’t beat myself up for getting things wrong and take the observation seat as I ‘let things unfold’.
It’s just way easier.

Anyway, I also went into breastfeeding with a good chunk of first hand experience observing other women in those really early days where there is just SO MUCH HAPPENING. I 'got it' so to speak. (Also, LOL - nothing can ever prepare you until you live it for yourself).
I knew the theory and I understood what factors would help us. Closeness was always a high priority for me and I was in close contact with Archie for at least the first 6 months of his life. Still in extremely close contact most of the day and night 1.5 years in really. We co-slept (and still do), I spent a large amount of time contact napping, I prioritised rest as much as I could as well as hydration and nourishment. I allowed other people to take care of me and take care of house hold chores. We were immensely lucky to have lived with my in-laws until Archie was 7 months old. We are even luckier that we all get along really well and having four adults in the house was so supportive. My time spent on household duties was relatively low during this time and I devoted most of my energy to establishing a beautifully robust mother baby dyad. Although I wholeheartedly believe this familial setup is the way we are actually meant to live our lives I am extremely aware that this is just simply not the reality of the culture we live in. Although this setup is my own utopian dream for all women and their babies (which is actually just normal reality in many cultures) this is a massive privilege in our culture and we have a long way to go until true postpartum care is a cultural norm, so to speak. I think we can also place unnecessary pressure on women to find their village of support around this time. In reality the most realistic form of helpful (IYKYK) support for many mothers may only be other mothers who are also at their full capacity caring for their own families.
I believe postpartum care is a community and familial based responsibility so therefore requires a full cultural overhaul. Thankfully, it is changing.

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Ok I am waffling on, seems like I have a lot to say on this topic….

It's hard to actually reflect on my breastfeeding journey in any sort of linear way as it all kind of blurs into one but I'll give it a go...

After Archie was born I got him going on the breast within half an hour (I think). I had some excessive bleeding after birth and wanted to get him on the boob to help stop this ASAP. If that hadn’t been happening I think I would have waited a little longer until he was showing signs of readiness.
Thankfully I felt confident about how to get him latched and he got going right away without issue. It did feel so clunky and awkward to begin with though, particularly after birthing… so much mess, the body is so sore and sitting up was pretty uncomfortable. Not to mention a slippery little baby who doesn’t yet know where the nipple is.

From the get go I just followed what felt right and we were fortunate that it seemed to work for us. I remember those early days well - working so hard for a good latch and figuring out a position that worked and that was comfortable. That feeling of intense pain when they latch for the first 5 seconds or so... Your toes curl and teeth grit... Until it passes and you know they've got a good latch. If he didn't latch well I would always take him off immediately and try again until we got it right. I knew that a good latch would help me avoid nipple damage that was more than just the usual very sensitive nipples from having someone suck on them all day every day & night!

Around day 3 or 4 I definitely had the very typical 'milk coming in' experience (although, I think it's all just milk tbh) massive breast changes... Huge size increase, a feeling of being much 'fuller', much firmer and started leaking a lot more milk from the non feeding side. I went with what felt right throughout this change and let him feed on demand as much as he needed. I would also do some pre feeding breast massage to help them feel a little softer to begin with. This intensity didn't last long and I think by 2 weeks (although tbh I have no idea haha) I was really feeling like we were off and racing.

In all honesty it wasn't the actual feeding part that I found overly difficult.... It was the frequent night waking that rocked me the most. Sleep deprivation is such a real thing. Those early days of pure exhaustion are so real, although I have somewhat forgotten what it was actually like, and in the same sense I don’t think I’ll ever forget - that tiredness kind of lives on in your bones.

I also found sitting up to feed in those first weeks really difficult. During labour I had pushed for 4.5 hours and as a result I had what felt like, the worst haemorrhoids of all time. At one point during labour I had looked with a mirror to see if I could see babies head and I was seriously disappointed when I could see no head at all but instead, what appeared to be the inside of my body on the outside in the form of haemorrhoids. (Don’t worry they’re well healed now and back inside my body, phew!) As you can imagine (after that graphic description) it was absolute agony to sit up so I quickly figured out side lie feeding which absolutely saved my but, literally, haha! When he was really little side lie feeding didn’t actually work that well as he would somehow get milk up his nose and couldn’t breathe and it just didn’t feel right for him. After a few weeks though he seemed to grow enough that he could handle it and side lie feeding become my most preferred way of feeding from then on.

Those first 6 ish weeks are definitely a blur. But I do remember having absolutely zero routine whatsoever. To be honest, we’ve never really had any routine around feeding, everyday is different & we just go with the flow of what’s unfolding. In the first 6-8 weeks I purposefully spent all day every day snuggled up in bed or on the couch - feeding, sleeping. Watched a lot of grand designs, read the entire Harry Potter series for the 15th time and generally just took a massive pause from the world and life in general. I think a lot of people prior to having a baby don’t realise just how much time you spend feeding in those early days. It can literally feel like all day every day (and night) sometimes. I really lent into this and always made sure I was well setup before a feed with an empty bladder, a cuppa, a snack, a book or heaps of supportive pillows around me for a nap.

Around 7 weeks postpartum we had a wedding for a very close friend 4 hours away. It was a non negotiable for me, I really wanted to attend. The night before we left he randomly slept for much longer periods of time than normal and I hadn't fed as much. On the way there he basically slept the entire drive (which was awesome, but I don't think I fed at all) by the time we checked in to our accomodation and got sorted my boobs were so full and I was feeling like I had a few hot red spots. Oh no, not mastitis just before a wedding!!!! I called the Australian Breastfeeding Association hotline to get some advice which was extremely helpful and reassuring. Thankfully I had very purposefully planned this trip in a way that gave us plenty of time knowing that 7 weeks old was pretty soon to be doing such a big thing. We had a full day before the actual wedding and we went about our day slowly, I rested a lot, fed as much as I could and stayed well hydrated. Thankfully the redness & hot spots passed within 12 hours and I was feeling back to normal.

Juggling a 7 week old at a wedding was definitely far more challenging than I had imagined and I had some grief around my former self and the way I would have once experienced an event like that. I'm so extroverted and love nothing more than socialising with my nearest and dearest. Plus the outfit I wore wasn’t overly comfortable to breastfeed in - we were learning! It was and still is a constant surrendering to what is - the more I surrender, the more room I make for the absolute miracle and privilege it is to be in this season of life.

I do remember one massive thing from that time away at 7 weeks. On our way home we stopped off at a friends place for the night and slept on the floor of her bedroom (with her there as well), I was worried how much we were going to disturb her in the night with crying, nappy changes and feeding, but….
This was the first night he didn’t poo overnight! HUGE. He just woke for a little feed, no crying at all and then just went straight back to sleep. This felt absolutely massive and we felt brand new in the morning having got far more sleep than usual!

From here I think it was relatively same same from about 7 weeks old to 4 months, I don’t recall having any major issues. We continued to feed on demand day and night, as we were co-sleeping I would side lie fed him back to sleep during the night and continued doing a lot of feed to sleep contact naps during the day. Or, I would lie down with him during the day and nap as well.
I continued hydrating and nourishing myself as best I could and my milk flowed in abundance.

I absolutely loved breastfeeding (still do) and couldn’t believe how much he was growing from just my milk as sustenance. Wild.

Often times in the early days (and a lot now to be honest) I would use breastfeeding as meditation. It is a beautiful pause amongst the business of the day, a time for a deep breathe and an assessment of the body, both mine and his. I sit there imagining not just my milk, but all my unconditional love and the light of life itself pouring into his little body. Nourishing him on a body, mind, soul and spirit level. I picture a beautiful golden chord between his heart and mine, growing stronger and stronger with every little interaction and touch point we share. I have devoted myself to feeding and it feels like the truest foundation of a life long healthy attachment for both me and my son.

In contrast…

As a hyper-productive person I also remember finding this initial pace of life frustrating at times when I wanted to get things done. Particularly when I started feeling much more energetic and more like myself after the initial recovery period. We were trying our hardest to finish building our house at this time and with my husband working away a lot it was often down to just me with a baby on my hip to get in there and get it done. This was pretty challenging and not overly conducive to attachment style, feeding on demand parenting. However, with commitment to both my baby and our house I somehow juggled both things. I would build the house in the small windows where he was sleeping independently or when he was happy by himself on the floor. We got it done. Honestly, I still don’t really know how.

I think it was around 4 months where he started waking more during the night and feeding increased dramatically. This was hard. Like most, I need lots of sleep and look forward to the day (1.5 years in and still not sleeping through the night, not that I expect him to) when we all sleep soundly all night long. Years away I’m sure.

6 months rolls around and he starts eating solids. From day 1 - he LOVED food. Will eat anything and everything which is great for us and him. This definitely had an impact on how much he was feeding and I noticed a slight drop in how much milk I was needing to produce.

Not long after this we also moved out of my in-laws house into our newly finished (kind of not really) tiny house. MASSIVE!!!!!!!!! Like 2.5 years in the making massive.
This was really interesting and set me on a little mini breastfeeding journey of its on accord…..
Around this time he was waking so much during the night wanting a feed, like hourly or more. I was wrecked. He was attached to the boob all night long and I was OVER IT. He wouldn’t seem to settle without the boob. My body was sore from maintaining a funny position all night whilst he fed, I was severely sleep deprived and feeling trapped in the feed to sleep cycle with seemingly no way out. I was beyond capacity, it didn’t feel balanced, it wasn’t working for us and something just didn’t feel right.

After a few weeks of pondering this in our own space I started to realise that I had unknowingly been using the boob to always keep him quiet and settled whilst living at my in-laws. I think it was a subconscious thing of not wanting to inconvenience other people and if I held space for him to cry when I knew he needed to that may have been misinterpreted as me being a bad mother (?!) what the hell! This was a narrative within my own head of course and it has been interesting to observe that within myself and pull the thread of where exactly that comes from. Hello people pleasing high achiever that bends herself to fit into everyone else’s ideals of what makes a good person (or whatever I believe others believe that is without actually talking to anyone about these things and just making massive assumptions) LOL.
Side note: becoming a mother has truly been the biggest lesson in coming back home to the truest parts of myself and what that actually means in REAL LIFE for me and my family, more on this another day.

So once we were in our own space I started leaning into holding much more space for him to cry and express his emotions when I know he needed to. This was transformative and within 72 hours he was sleeping much more deeply, waking far less frequently and generally not relying on the boob as much to get back to sleep. I felt like balance was restored and that we were in easeful alignment once again.
At some point in that first year I also stopped feeding him to sleep when putting him to bed at night and just lay down with him and snuggled. When I first did this there was a lot of big feelings which required a lot of space holding (which I mostly love and lean in to as I know how much of a strong foundation this is giving him and feel so privileged in doing so), this gradually changed over time and now we just have fun reading books and snuggling down until he falls asleep.

At some point in the last 4 (ish) months I night weaned him which was massive and we’ve very recently dropped the 5am feed and instead it’s now ‘milk when the sun comes up’. Once again there were a lot of big feelings that came with these transitions which I kept (keep) holding space for as best I can. He is also a great communicator and has good comprehension so I think he understands a lot of what I say which helps a lot.
I felt very ready to night wean and was needing space and time to find more rest, it’s really helped me feel more energetic, present and relaxed during the day. I also felt the pull to have space where I felt like my body was my own again in the night where I was in that semi conscious state. It just felt like the time where a shift was needed to create balance across the whole mother baby dyad again. So I followed those feelings and made adjustments accordingly. Now that I reflect it all just happens and unfolds naturally with time.

At the moment he still feeds on demand during daylight hours without restriction. This can be anywhere from twice a day to 10 times a day or more. It just depends what’s happening for both of us.
One of my favourite parts of the day now is our long morning feeds when he first wakes in the morning or the last long feed after a bath at night. I am still cherishing the time spent feeding him and allowing the journey to unfold in front of us. This will always be one of my most favourite aspects of mothering and it is my hope that all women find the courage to feed their babies in their own unique way.

I also thank my son for being equal parts with me on this journey. It is an honour to be your Mum.

xx